SEE HERE’S THE THING totally acknowledging the implications of what i say next in the context of that bullet point list i made earlier:
i’m a good student. i’m a really really good student. my teachers all really like me*. the work that i do is generally pretty solid. i’ll stay in class as late as i am asked to. and on top of all that i’m probably** really smart.
that said, i will never hand in a paper on time. i will never hand in a homework on time. i will never show up early to class. if i talk at all in class, everybody better prepare for a lot of gesticulations and stuttering. sometimes i fall asleep when i sit still for too long (fun fact: 90 minutes is too too long).
i don’t do this with gleefully and this is way way too many downsides i know i know I HAVE HEARD IT QUITE A BIT from people who i am supposedly friends with? like yeah i don’t really expect anybody to tell me that it’s okay, but what i would like would be to not hear that i should feel guilty or that i’m in the wrong place or any other thinly veiled “i’m better than you”s etc etc etc (because do people honestly think me so dim that i don’t think about these things most of the time??)
for! example! the amount of times i’ve wanted to get really angry at
one specific person for saying to me “why did you even come here? it’s a writing college” is really really over the moon YEAH SORRY IT’S THE ONLY COLLEGE I GOT INTO but do you honestly think columbia would have been any kinder to me? (hint: naw) (double hint: “writing college” seriously what the fuck, moving on)
please i’m working as hard as i can and i don’t have to justify myself to anybody (except for perhaps the people grading my papers SORRY I’LL HAVE THEM IN SOON I SWEAR TO GOD) but it’s so hard to work hard when you know there is nothing for you here or anywhere and everybody’s always gotta be reminding you of it
*i think. maybe not my art teacher, have not received feedback from him and i think he thinks i goof around in his class which is ONLY A LITTLE TRUE
**((however)) intelligences currently unreachable. do you want to: try again later?